Thoughts in a Tap Caf
by fiesa
Summary: Mara has been here already. But today she's waiting for the one that made her run the last time. OneShot.


**Thoughts in a tap caf**

_Summary: Mara has been here already. But today she's waiting for the one that made her run the last time. OneShot._

_Warnings: (Failed?) Attempt at romance._

_Set: Somewhere between "Vision of the Future" by Timothy Zahn and the beginning of NJO_

_Disclaimer: If they had to kill Mara just like that, they at least could have sold her to me… I'm sorry, but I don't own the brilliant universe that calls itself Star Wars._

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Mara has been here before.

The tap caf is quite full, its tables all taken and the soft hum of many humans and nonhumans is a faint buzzing in her ears. In front of her there's a cup of chocolate, her favorite drink. But the cup of hot, richly scented liquid is unable to do its magic today.

The ginger-haired Jedi Master watches the crowd in front of her and carefully extends her senses in the Force. Nothing she feels indicates at danger. No, she is in a perfectly normal place, with perfectly normal (or perfecly un-normal) beings around her and nobody even knows she's there. Nobody expects the tall, lean woman in her simple black jumpsuit and red and gold hair to be the Jedi Master Jade Skywalker and she's thankful for it. She dislikes the pomp and ceremony as much as Luke does but he's right: sometimes, it just can't be helped. Even now, with the Order steadily growing and extending, even now, with many teachers and students, the two of them still are the most famous Jedi. But the honor is a burden. She finally knows how Luke felt when he was the only Jedi Master and now can see why he wasted so many years running around and trying to fix everything. But now, they are together, and…

Suddenly, there it is again, the sharp ache that has settled deep inside her since she has arrived on this planet. It's so small it doesn't even appear on galactic trade routes but it is a nice world. From the atmosphere, while entering it with her Jade's Shadow, she could see the rich, green forests and the crystal clear sea. The species living here has gotten used to being frequently ignored and even though two or three great holiday- and tourist-companies have tried to settle here the planet still is mostly unknown. It's inconvenient if you have to travel two weeks to get to your holiday destination.

-v-

Mara has been here before. She still remembers the forests and the sea and this specific little tap caf as well as she remembers her own name. She has been here even twice.

The first time doesn't matter much: She came here when she was little. Maybe she has even lived here. She doesn't really remember but the images that visit her in her dreams always give her the impression that she might have called this planet her home, once upon a time.

The second time was while she was working for Karrde. It was him who sent her, wanting her to do some business and, at the same time, wanting to help her. She felt thankful that time but the quiet and beautiful atmosphere of the planet hadn't given her the peace she had needed. Instead, it had stirred her emotions only more.

It had been about Luke, of course. Most parts of her life had been about him; now that she looked back she saw it pretty well. She had wanted to kill him for years and then had required his assistance in freeing Karrde from an Imperial Star Destroyer. And then, instead of going after him again, she had shown him the way to the secret mountain the Emperor had used to hide his Spaarti cylinders. At that time, she had chosen a side: the side of the New Republic. She hadn't killed Luke but a clone of his and somehow they had become friends. He had given her his old light saber and had asked her if he should train her. And she had agreed.

He had been lying and she didn't deem it necessary to keep her word if he didn't keep his. So she returned to Karrde and his organization. She had returned to the people that didn't ignore her.

-v-

_Amazing_.

Today it hurt as much as it had in the past.

Mara could feel all the buried feelings of loneliness, hurt and betrayal resurface inside her. _He is ignoring me._ She knew she shouldn't care, shouldn't take it personally. He was a Jedi Master, he had many students and major and minor crises to deal with. There were other teachers at his academy, she would just have to ask. And it wasn't as if she was something _special_. She was just another person with latent force potential, conveniently already halfway trained.

-v-

She had hated herself for feeling like that.

Had hated herself and hated Luke. For ignoring her. For caring for her and making her believe there was more to their relationship than just her hate and his compassion. She had believed – for a short period of time – that he genuinely liked her, that he was seriously interested in her wellbeing. She had thought they had become something like friends. And there he was, turning his back on her, running off to extinguish some of the bushfires the New Republic cultivated so well.

She had been used to being alone, to being ignored great parts of her life. She never had minded. Now, suddenly, she felt hurt. And lost. And lonely. And dependant. And if there was something she never wanted to be, then it was dependant. So she left.

Karrde welcomed her back happily and, sensing her mood, sent her here. If he had wanted to cheer her up he achieved the opposite.

-v-

She had been sitting here, waiting for a contact person, and all the pain and the loneliness had come crashing at her with the raw force of a hurricane. Suddenly she had felt like she was suffocating, like she couldn't breathe any more. The room had been closing in, walls coming at her, and she barely made it onto the street. She collapsed in a dark alley until the dry sobs and the trembling receded somewhat, until she was able to stop shaking. Something like this had never happened to her, _never_. She didn't know if she should blame Luke – blame him for making her feel welcomed, accepted and liked – or herself. For letting herself become dependent on another person's kindness.

For suddenly feeling the huge emptiness inside herself.

Strangely, she hadn't remembered anything of it until she had entered the planet's atmosphere. Somehow, she figured, she had suppressed her memories of that time because the next thing she could remember was returning to Karrde and wondering why he was so worriedly asking if everything was fine. Of course, now the puzzle pieces fit into place perfectly.

-v-

Pain. Loneliness. Of course, now, living with Luke for more than five years, she knew she had been falling in love with him at that time. She knew she had cared for him and had felt deeply hurt by the fact that he had been ignoring her.

Pain stabbed at her heart again and she reached out into the Force, her hands trembling, searching for strength. It was impossible that those emotions would still hurt so much today, years and years later. Still, somehow, they did. She could remember her hurt – _he ignored me – _her pain and her feeling of betrayal as if it had happened yesterday.

Something brushed her mind in the Force.

Mara caught a glimpse of a sunny street and a lively crowd from somewhere and knew Luke was on his way. Happiness and expectance colored his presence – and then, he detected the swirling cloud of pain in her part of their Force connection. Mara felt him alert and quicken his pace. _It's okay_, she sent him back wordlessly. Reassuring, calming thoughts flowed through their link as she tried to take away his worry. _I'm fine._

He could sense she wasn't in danger. Still, he walked faster. It only took him a few minutes until he entered the little tap caf he had chosen as their meeting point because it was the only one in the city. Making her out in her corner, he moved through the room quickly to come to stand next to her table.

"Are you okay?"

The worry in his words made her smile and eased the pain tremendously. Suddenly, she could breathe again.

"I'm fine, don't worry."

He sat down, studying her carefully. Mara felt herself looking at her husband with the same critical eye. They hadn't seen each other for a few weeks and Luke looked tired. His amusement in the Force told her he was thinking the same. She smiled.

"So this is your idea of a surprise, huh?" She asked and let her gaze swipe the street in front of the great window. "Holidays on a planet that takes almost two weeks to reach?"

He smiled the same embarrassed, boyish smile she loved so much.

"I knew you'd like it."

"I do."

-v-

It was an understatement. She loved it. The memories it had made bubble up inside her were still there. But suddenly, with Luke sitting at the table across from her, they didn't seem to hurt as much as they had before. Not even a fraction as much.

She took his hand.

"I'm glad you arranged this."

She could feel him probe at her emotions a bit more. He wasn't being curious – he merely tried to figure out _what_ exactly she had been feeling.

"So you are, are you," he answered, his brows raised. "Have you been here before?"

Mara smiled. "I am, and I have. A long time ago. I came here for Karrde…"

Her emotions cleared up.

The past was the past. Here she was, with Luke, and she felt complete again. The hurt, bitterness and loneliness that had been threatening to drown her mere minutes ago had disappeared. Luke raised his brow at the sudden change in her emotion.

"You're not going to tell me what that was about, just now?" He asked gently, moving towards her.

"I don't know myself," she confessed. "I just remembered some things and it suddenly seemed to be too much…"

She gazed at him, his open, honest expression and his clear, blue eyes that were watching her with the same love and tenderness she could feel towards him. He didn't need an invitation as he slipped onto her side of the little berth and wrapped his arms around her tightly.

"It's okay," he told her gently. "Just remember, whenever you need me, I'm right here."

His reassurance made her heart flutter. His farm-boy honesty was something that still made her feel like a teenager in love.

"Just promise me you'll never ignore me," she whispered, a lump in her throat. His arms tightened around her.

"I won't."

She didn't even need to explain what she meant. Having a Jedi Master as a husband definitely spared you from the embarrassment of having to repeat overly cheesy statements like that a second time. The sincerity in his voice and his feelings almost made her want to cry. Instead, she smiled into his shoulder.

"Okay."

And, just like that, she felt whole again. Only Luke had this effect on her.


End file.
